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QUOTES

            Over the years I keep hearing and reading various things that impress me (or appeal to my slightly warped sense of humour), since I`ve had a computer I`ve gathered these into a file, and although I haven`t updated it in quite a while, I decided, what the hell, and have posted it here for everyones enjoyment.


You're beginning to get the idea, Clark...
...This...is the end...
...for BOTH of us...
We could have changed the world...
...now look at us...
I've become...a political liability...
...and you...
...you're a joke...
I want you...to remember, Clark...
...in all the years to come...
...in your most private moments...
I want you to rememeber ...my hand...at your throat...
...I want...you to remember...
...The one man who beat you...
Batman: The Dark Knight Returns


Late Lunch 25/Nov/98
Mel - So what will you do if you do win our competition (Miss Late Lunch 1998)
Stephen Fry - Well what is it they always say, Helping starvation and wiping out children.

News at Ten 27/Jul/98
Trevor McDonald - So how do things look for Mr Clinton now?
US Reporter - Well this is just another dice roll in this game of poker.

Ta'Lon - I owe you a debt, a debt I must repay as a matter of honour.
Sheridan - Well, I'm not entirely sure what my superiors back home would say if I started turning up places with a Narn Bodyguard.
Ta'Lon - They would say "Here is a man who will live to be a hundred and fifty."
Babylon 5

Porter - God in heaven help us.
The Doctor - Divine intervention is unlikely.
Star Trek: Voyager

Richard Mayhew - Door, don`t do it, don`t set it free, we don`t matter.
Marquis de Carabas - Actually I matter very much, but I have to agree, don`t do it.
Neverwhere

Mr Croup - He`s travelled so far beyond right and wrong he couldn`t see them with a telescope on a nice clear night.
Neverwhere

As they dragged him away, Rorschach spoke to the other inmates. He said, None of you understand. I`m not locked up in here with you. You`re locked up in here with me.
Watchmen

Ash - Well Heeelllllo Mister Fancypants, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leading but two things right now, Jack and Shit. And Jack left town!
Army of Darkness

Ash - Lady, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store.
Demon - Who the hell are you?
Ash - Name's Ash! Housewares!
Army of Darkness

Titania - Any words for your tombstone, Bug? (as she throttles Spider-Man)
Spider Man - Gaaak
Titania - Short and sweet, I LIKE it.
SpiderMan comic

Superman - So much for surprise!
Superboy- Yeah -- were spotted like dalmations!
Return of Superman

Superman - The only attack they wont expect is a FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT
Superboy - Thats totally psycho,man. I like it! Course I`d like it better if we were talkin about Michelle Pfeiffer.
The Return of Superman

Minion - I admire your guts Deaths Head.
Deaths Head - You haven`t seen them.
Deaths Head

Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman.
Candyman

Superman - Take them out FAST!
Superboy - Take em out? They`re noy even my type! Okay maybe if I rearrange their faces!
The Return of Superman

Superboy - Okay tryin to KILL ME is one thing -- But that was my ONLY jacket THIS MEANS WAR.
The Return of Superman

Venom - We want to eat your BRAIN!
Spiderman

Venom - This time we`ll eat your brain AND your spine!
Spiderman

Venom - Heat Ray?
Stone - `Nova Beam.'
Venom - OOOOO, Spiffy name! I think we`ll call this broken water pipe `Rodney'!
Spiderman

Venom - OOO, That was naughty! We`re IMPRESSED!
Spiderman

Venom - We love hide and seek! and shred! and dismember!
Spiderman

Venom - OOO, Running in terror! Nice strategy! Moving targets are fun!
Spiderman

Venom - Running? Good! Cowards taste YUMMY!
Spiderman

Carnage - Whoa! This stuffs tough! Prob`ly built to stop any weapon known to man! Gee, too Bad --- I ain`t MAN anymore.
Spiderman

Carnage - OUCH! bet that hurt! (as helocopter explodes)
Spiderman

Carnage - Golly! Two against one! I-I`m scared! NOT!
Spiderman

Carnage - Baby? OOOOO! I just wuuuuuuuv babies! Yeah, I love them squeelin little rugrats to DEATH!
Spiderman

Venom - He`s going to die! Oh, Happy, Happy, Happy!
Spiderman

Demospider - GRRRR!
Carnage - That`s MY line --! I`M supposed to be the MONSTER here!
Shriek - Correct me if I`m wrong honey-bun -- but this is definitely NOT your parents Spider Man
Spiderman

Carnage - AW... Look at `im: He`s really terrified poor guy -- maybe he`s had enough. Maybe I shouldn`t use the gun on him. And if you believe that .. there`s a bridge in brooklyn I`d like to sell you!
Spiderman

The Joker - Don`t get even, Get mad!
Batman: The Killing Joke

Abslom Daak - Blasted lousy shots! they haven`t hit me once yet!!
Abslom Daak: Dalek Killer

Salander - Your criminal friends seem a little hard to handle!
Abslom Daak - Sure Mercurius is a criminal and sure he`s hard to handle ... But who said anything about him being a FRIEND ?
Abslom Daak: Dalek Killer

Waldo D.R Dobbs - ... and we`ll need plates, cutlery, cups, table napkins, bedclothes, soap, A Quad Engined StratoChopper with thirty Air to Ground Warpedo`s, butter, cheese, eggs, beer ...
D.R and Quinch`s Guide to Life

Waldo D.R Dobbs - Hey man, we got something blocking our bathtub, man. Yeah. We want you to send up a bellboy to investigate. Yeah. A Nice fat bellboy, man. With credit cards.
D.R and Quinch`s Guide to Life

Waldo D.R Dobbs - A horse! A horse ! Somebody give me a horse, man, because I come to bury this dirtball, not to praise him. Whaddya think I am. Whether it`s nobler for the mind to make people suffer with all these totally outrageous arrows for a fortune, or what!
D.R and Quinch`s Guide to Life

Waldo D.R Dobbs - Y`know a kiss on the hand may be quite continental, man ... but tactical thermonuclear weaponry is a guy`s best friend!
D.R and Quinch`s Guide to Life

Reader - But what is life about?
Waldo D.R Dobbs - Life is about 70 years, unless you do something utterly outrageous like trying to slamdance while priming plastic explosives - in which case your guess is as good as mine, man.
D.R and Quinch`s Guide to Life

Waldo D.R Dobbs - Many people are of the opinion that you should live fast and leave a good looking corpse but, in my experience, it`s usually better to make sure it`s someone else`s.
D.R and Quinch`s Guide to Life

Chronozone - I`m Chronozone. You`re my prisoner.
Deaths Head - And You`re my next victim. On balance I win.
Deaths Head

Chronozone - Akk.. Akk.. Why do you run ? You delay the inevitable.
Deaths Head - Me and the inevitable never did get on that well... So any delay is fine with me. See you around, Bozo.
Deaths Head

Deaths Head - You murdered creation. Give me one good reason why I should let you live ?
Chronozone - Because.. Because I...
Deaths Head - Bleeeeb! Times up! Wrong answer! But Hey! Thanks, for playing!
Deaths Head

Psi Judge Anderson - Grud! Done it again! I`ve got to stop answering it before it rings!
2000AD

Psalm 3 verse 7 - Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all my enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.
The Bible

Ben Kenobi - He's more machine now than man, Twisted and Evil
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

Azrael -
            Know that men call you LIAR!
            Know that men call you BETRAYER!
            Know that men call you DEFILER!
            Therefore, it is the duty of the angel AZRAEL to bring you..
            PUNISHMENT..
            ..The punishment of DEATH by FIERY SWORD!
Batman: The Sword of Azrael

The Doctor -
            There are worlds out there, where the sky is burning,
            the seas asleep,
            and the rivers dream;
            people made of smoke,
            and cities made of song.
            Somewhere there's danger.
            Somewhere there's injustice.
            And somewhere else the tea is getting cold!
            Come on Ace, we've got work to do!
Doctor Who: Survival

Intro to The Shadow Radio Show - Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men ! The SHADOW Knows ! ! ! (evil laughing echo's away)

Canada Bills Motto - A Smith and Wesson beats Four Aces!

Whistlers Law - You never know who's right! But you always know who's in charge.

Murphys Law - If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphys Corollary - Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphys Corollary - It is impossible to make things foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

Hanes Law - There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Quantized Revision of Murphys Law - Everything goes wrong all at once.

Howes Law - Everybody has a scheme that will not work.

The Golden Rule - He who has the gold, makes the rules.

Lynchs Law - When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

Perkins Postulate - The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Murphys Military Laws -
            1) Never share a foxhole with somebody braver than you are.
            2) No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
            3) Friendly fire, ain't.
            4) The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is an officer with a map.
            5) The problem with taking the easy way out is, the enemy has already mined it.
            6) The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to fire at.
            7) The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
            8) Incoming fire has right of way.
            9) If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
            10) The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
            11) If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
            12) The only time supressing fire works, is on abandoned positions.
            13) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is, incoming friendly fire.
            14) There is nothing more satisfying than having somebody take a shot at you, and miss.
            15) Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
            16) If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Murphys other Law - If it works, Don't fix it.

Murphys Commentary - The light at the end of the tunnel will be an oncoming train.

Mae West - When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before.

J Paul Getty - The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.

Graffiti - I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Graffiti - I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Winston Churchill - I like a man who grins when he fights.

Graffiti - Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Graffiti - If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Riddle -
            Q: How do you stop a clown from laughing?
            A: Hit him in the face with an axe.

Fahnestocks Rules -
            1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
            2) If at first you don't succeed, blame it on somebody else.
            3) If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
            4) If at first you don't succeed, Give up, You're a schmuck.

Mark Twain - I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me. I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place, and kill him.

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
            If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

            I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

            I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''

            Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!

            Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

            I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

            I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

            If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty, then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"

            Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

            If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

            Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

            Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

            Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

            I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!

            Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.

            When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

            It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

            People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

            Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

            As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

            Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

            If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?

            If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said `inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

            Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.




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